I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
