the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
