Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
