he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
two words...techno handjob
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
