the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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