a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
