You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
