Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
