hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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