totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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