I'm so fucking centered right now
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
