So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
