I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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