I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
