I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
