This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
