3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
