I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
