You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
