Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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