I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
