I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
