I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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