Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
