wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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