I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays