rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
