I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
