i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
