Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
