so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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