If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
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Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.