I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha