when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
