Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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