just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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