Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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