i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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