I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
