I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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