Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
