I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
