Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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