also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
