Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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