So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
