I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
