I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How does one acquire holy water?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
