So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
