Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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