My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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