I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
