FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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