margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
