All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
