sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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