she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
