I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
