history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
