I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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