id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
